I had SO MUCH FUN writing this one, you don't even know. The more I reread it, the more I like it, which is BAD, so I need your help :)
First of all, let me say that this piece was heavily inspired by a MAGNIFICENT photograph, which you can view here: http://thenightshedied.deviantart.com/art/burn-our-souls-release-the-wicked-II-281121149
You'll note I included slight modifications of the title in the poem. I really love the title, and wanted to hold on to it :)
Anyway, questions for critique:
1) I'm not sure about some of the repetitions in there. As happens so often, I love just a DASH of sing-song, and this seemed like just the right sort of occasion for it ^^ Good/bad/yes/no?
2) I did actually attempt to create a sort of story with this piece. Does it make sense?
3) I COULD NOT RESIST A "LO"! It just felt right. So archaic constructions: "lo" and "windspirit am I" - do they work? Do you like them?
As usual, more general comments are always welcome. Thank you!
"Robin Red-Breast, the Devil, and Me"
Robin red-breast
sold his soul for a song,
cast a bundle of his scarlet feathers
on the forest floor.
The Devil stole the whole forest-full of birdsongs,
dressed them up with a bit of glitter
and holds them crumpled in his fists—
hostages for weary souls.
In a forest of silent throats
Robin red-breast sings with downcast eyes.
And I—
landspirit, windspirit am I—
running twig fingers through hair
red as fire,
I'll make ribbons of rose petals,
catch the clouds in a bucket
and make room for Robin red-breast
to nest in my branches.
I'll cut up the Devil
and I'll cut him up again,
release the wickedness
like cracking hazelnut shells,
burn up song-souls—
primroses and plague victims—
and scatter their ashes in the mountains
so their owners can find them again.
Lo—
the little red-breasted devil carries them to market
see him carry his wicker basket to market,
Old Robin red-breast—
Red-hooded and wolf-clawed both.
First of all, let me say that this piece was heavily inspired by a MAGNIFICENT photograph, which you can view here: http://thenightshedied.deviantart.com/art/burn-our-souls-release-the-wicked-II-281121149
You'll note I included slight modifications of the title in the poem. I really love the title, and wanted to hold on to it :)
Anyway, questions for critique:
1) I'm not sure about some of the repetitions in there. As happens so often, I love just a DASH of sing-song, and this seemed like just the right sort of occasion for it ^^ Good/bad/yes/no?
2) I did actually attempt to create a sort of story with this piece. Does it make sense?
3) I COULD NOT RESIST A "LO"! It just felt right. So archaic constructions: "lo" and "windspirit am I" - do they work? Do you like them?
As usual, more general comments are always welcome. Thank you!
"Robin Red-Breast, the Devil, and Me"
Robin red-breast
sold his soul for a song,
cast a bundle of his scarlet feathers
on the forest floor.
The Devil stole the whole forest-full of birdsongs,
dressed them up with a bit of glitter
and holds them crumpled in his fists—
hostages for weary souls.
In a forest of silent throats
Robin red-breast sings with downcast eyes.
And I—
landspirit, windspirit am I—
running twig fingers through hair
red as fire,
I'll make ribbons of rose petals,
catch the clouds in a bucket
and make room for Robin red-breast
to nest in my branches.
I'll cut up the Devil
and I'll cut him up again,
release the wickedness
like cracking hazelnut shells,
burn up song-souls—
primroses and plague victims—
and scatter their ashes in the mountains
so their owners can find them again.
Lo—
the little red-breasted devil carries them to market
see him carry his wicker basket to market,
Old Robin red-breast—
Red-hooded and wolf-clawed both.
